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2009年05月15日
海南大付属クソくらえって話だ
ラジオから15時の時報が聞こえて、
少しハッとさせられる。
今日は私の大事な人にとって、
ちょっとした勝負の日なのだ。
開戦は15時と聞いていた。
自分で勝負を決めて、挑む。
彼女のそんな姿勢を、心から美しく思う。
フリーで仕事を始めたころ、
いつだって私は挑戦者だった。
アルバイトすらまともにやったことのない私にとって、
出会うもの総てが、新しい壁だった。
心配性で、すぐ立ち止まってしまう子供だった私は、
23歳の頃にひとつだけ決めたことがある。
「これからは迷っても、走りながら考えよう」。
まわりの大人に、次々と無理難題を叩きつけられても、
絶対に応えよう、応えられるから!と、やってきて。
特に叶えたい夢とか、やりたいことがなかった私にとって、
それはすごく簡単なことだった。
自分の名前で会社を始めてからの意識は、
「常勝」へと変わっていった気がする。
企画屋は、人の勝負を代理でやるような仕事だ。
代打の選手がバッターボックスに立った瞬間、
打ってアタリマエって空気は、当然なわけで。
いつからか、桜木花道じゃなくて、
海南大付属キブンをかましていたワケですが。
わかってるんです、まだまだ、ずっと、挑戦者としてしか、
生きてけないってことは。
相変わらず私は、
叶えたい夢があるわけじゃないけれど。
もっと世の中のために役立つ関わり方は、模索できるわけで。
それを探し続ける姿勢が、大事なわけで。
もう、大人のひとたちが、次の壁を用意してくれるんじゃ、ないんだな。
これからは自分で勝負を決めて、挑む。
小さくコミットして達成する、の繰り返しなんだな。
と、アタリマエのことに気づいて、途方に暮れるのです。
最近の私は、ここに辿り着くまで、
立ち止まったまま迷っていたように思え、
自分の足元を見直して、また途方に暮れるのです。
シンプルで強くありたい、と、願っているのに、
いつも逆方向な自分になりがちですが。
ちゃんと挑戦し続けてる彼女の美しさに、
いい影響を受けられた気がして、顔を上げたい心持ちです。
![]()
↑自宅のリビング。美しいと思えるモノに囲まれて暮らすと、心が強くなるんじゃないかな。と、言葉にはすぐ出来るんだけど。実感できる瞬間は案外少ない。特に私は言葉に長けているから、余計にいけない。自分の口車に乗せられないよう、用心しなくては。
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